Sunday 14^th August, 2011

Fucking noisy birds! If they're not screaming next door, they're outside my bloody window! Went to the shop and bought marbles and spent an hour on the balcony perfecting my aim. Only managed to hit one but hopefully word will spread. I wish my Ike and Tina problem could be so easily remedied, but sadly I don't have the marbles.

I left for work half an hour early, with a Thermos this time. Sitting at the back of Bus Eireanns finest I overheard a conversation between two women, one holding a baby, the other admiring. Agnes and Betty, let’s call them.

 Agnes: Aw isn't she precious. What did ya call her?

Betty: Why-vonney.

Agnes: Ah sure that's lovely. How d'ya spell dat?

Betty: Y-V-O-N-N-E.

Black coffee through the nose is a painful thing.

I arrived at work to find the boss in the kitchen waiting for me, and Bert with an almost worried look on his face. He looks odd with no arch in his eyebrow. Boss screamed for almost fifteen minutes. She was ten minutes into the rant before I heard the word Viagra and the penny dropped. I listened carefully for the word fired but I don't think it came. Gradually the arch returned and Bert was himself again. He thinks we should wait a day or two before trying anything else. I said a week or two might be better, at which point the arch dropped again. I found a banana peel on the floor an hour later.

Too soon Bert. Too soon.

Called into the boss's office before home time, where I was informed; Newbie will be back at work tomorrow and we are to “leave him alone”. Bert decides to take this literally and suggests we lock him in the cold-room. I ask Bert to please not get me fired. He promises nothing.

I got home to find Tina sitting by my front door. She's making her domestic situation very difficult to ignore. Maybe she's here to tell me she tripped over the drum kit. I made us some coffee and we sat down to discuss her dilemma. She had two black eyes so I was trying very hard to look her in the forehead. I rather stupidly asked her what the problem was, and that’s when she said it; “I think my boyfriend is cheating on me.” In light of that ridiculous revelation I then had to figure out the most important question of all. Does Ike hit her because she's stupid, or is she stupid because Ike hits her? No polite way to ask that, so instead I asked the usual questions and offered the usual platitudes. In an attempt to assess the true level of her stupidity and in turn find a possible remedy for the situation, I told her that cheating was illegal and perhaps she should go to the police. She looked surprised but not disbelieving.

I'm beginning to see Ike's side of it.

I told her not to worry, it'll all look better in the morning, provided the swelling goes down. She returned to her little patch of wife beating heaven and I retired to bed with a clear conscience. After all there was nothing more I could do. It's not like she had anywhere else to go. Hmmm...I think I'll turn the spare room into a hat museum.