Friday 12^th August, 2011

I was woken up at some obscene hour by loud banging next door. My neighbour is either learning to play the drums or beating the hell out of his girlfriend. I'm not sure which would piss me off more, but either way, one of them had better quieten down. Awoken again an hour later by more of the same; this is either the drum solo to rival all others, or that girl is taking a serious hammering. Twenty minutes later and there is a decidedly different sort of banging coming from next door. Aw...Ike and Tina made up.

Late for work again! Definitely no time to stop for coffee, but I can't resist the urge to check my black coffee/white coffee theory. I order; tall skinny latte with an extra shot of skimmed milk. If history has taught us anything, it is this one simple rule: the whiter the better. Ordered, served and out the door within five minutes. Finally...racism I can get on board with. Seriously late now and the boss is not amused. Amid a lengthy lecture on the importance of time keeping and general job keeping, I notice Newbie is taking in the show from behind a stack of milk crates. Half-wit doesn't realise I can see him. Bloody crates are holier than the pope.

Brief sidebar with Bert        Plan: kill Newbie.       

Longer sidebar                      Revised plan: annoy Newbie.

Better.

Bert and I spent the better part of the morning devising a plan, discussing its various merits, and predicting the possible outcome that might result upon completion of the plan. Unemployment for example and in one of Bert's more extreme plans....death. We eventually reached a compromise and Bert left to “see a man about a dog”. Ten minutes before lunch service and the plan was set in motion. Dave joined us for coffee. Black coffee for me (no waiting), coffee with cream for Bert, and a generous mix of coffee and finely ground Viagra for Newbie.

I really shouldn't give him such a “hard” time. I mean he's not that much of a “dick”. He is after all a “member” of staff. Damn, out of penis euphemisms.

Plan went down beautifully. It was almost too easy...like a paedo in a playground, fish in a barrel, piss up in a brewery. Newbie Junior caused mayhem. The boss burst into the kitchen in a blind panic, but Bert advised her to see the silver lining; more productive now Newbie can carry an extra plate. Eyes are bloodshot from crying. Bert convinced him that drinking water would help lower the sails, and after forcing six pints of water down his neck we waited once more. Wasn't long...Newbie walked out of the bathroom looking like he was pitching a tent but got caught in the rain.

It was a particularly busy service and several of the wait staff complained about being a man down, to which Bert pointed out that if anything they were a man up. Newbie was sent home in what must have been the longest and most awkward taxi ride in history, a trip made considerably more awkward by his choice of the front seat.