Saturday 13^th August, 2011

Bert called. Newbie's in hospital and junior is apparently still going strong. Bert reckons we should not panic, but rather view this as an opportunity to learn. Now we know, giving him seven Viagra was probably six Viagra too many. Bert's making him a hospital mix.

1.      I am a rock, by Simon and Garfunkel

2.      You raise me, up by Westlife.

3.      Beat it, by Michael Jackson.

4.      I touch myself, by Divinyls.

5.      Rocket, by Def Leppard.

6.      Can’t touch this, by MC Hammer.

7.      I'm so excited, by the Pointer Sisters.

8.      I'm still standing, by Elton John.

I arrived at St. James hospital to find Bert stealing the “wet floor” sign from the lobby. I really must find time to explain consequences to him. Accidentally called Dave “Newbie” in front of his distraught mother…I think she's starting to suspect something. I sat beside his bed for half an hour trying not to look at the carefully placed pillow on his lap, while Bert tried to work the words; hard on, tool, nuts, phallus and member, into every sentence. Conversation went something like this:

Dave's mam: I don't understand how this happened.

Bert: I know. This must be very hard on you. It's hard on all of us. But it's been the hardest on little Davy here.

Dave's mam: Of course and sure aren't ye both so good to visit him.

Bert: Ah it's no phallus.

Dave's mam: Excuse me?

Bert: I said it's no hassle.

Dave's mam: Well we both appreciate it. And I'm sure he'll be back at work on Monday.

Bert: Only if he feels up to it. We wouldn't want him stretching himself too thin. D'ya hear me Dave? Don't go nuts. Use whatever tools are at your disposal and you'll be back at work in no time, a full member of staff.

Dave's mam: Thank you. You're very good.

Bert: Penis.

Dave's mam: Pardon?

Bert: What?

Bert left for work and as penis euphemisms were exhausted I went home.

Over a light dinner, I edited the business plan I'd been working on for more than two years. It had been my plan from day one to run my own restaurant, and the document that lay before me was my ticket out. Unfortunately, with my business acumen such as it is (non-existent), I don't foresee entrepreneurial prosperity in my future. This is a serious problem as Bert's antics are growing increasingly outrageous and I have a sneaking suspicion that unemployment may be on the cards.

Retire to bed at a very early hour but sleep is impossible. Ike is playing the drums again. I can't help but notice every time he plays, Tina looks a little worse for wear. I knock on their door and suggest he play the drums elsewhere. The look of confusion on his face says it all. 
Goodbye Tina, you were a great, albeit noisy neighbour and I'll miss you.