Saturday 20^th August

Wandered into the living room in my underwear, bleary eyed and generally confused, with the nagging feeling I had forgotten something. Through half closed eyes I scanned the room for clues, in the vain hope that something would jog my memory. Nothing. Can't have been too important.

My bum was mere inches from the couch when it all came screaming back to me. I dug my heels into the carpet and desperately flapped my arms in an attempt to return to a standing position but it was too late. Gravity had bested me. As my ass hit the couch and I heard the unmistakable crunch of Charlotte beneath me, I couldn't help but wish I was wearing more than a thong.

One long shower later, I returned to the living room, fully clothed and feeling a bit delicate if I'm honest. Spider against bare ass was not an experience I wished to repeat. Although considering our positions, and the possibility of their reversal, I couldn't help but feel I came out the victor.

A homeless guy has taken up residence on the steps of my building. He looked about mid-thirties and despite his ragged clothing, appeared reasonably well groomed. An empty hat lay between his outstretched legs and in his hands was a large cardboard sign that read: Has anyone seen my keys?

Not one to miss an opportunity, I rummaged through my bag for my camera and some cash, and proceeded to introduce myself. His name is Jack, very friendly, reasonably attractive, and a former estate agent. Oh the irony! I offered him twenty Euros in exchange for a photograph of him holding the sign, and unsurprisingly he accepted. Happy with the result, I said my goodbyes and set off for work, again.

Bert took a personal day, leaving me to fend for myself, and giving me a glimpse of my work day without him in it. Can only hope that more of his family don't go and die on him. I'm not sure how much more of this self-harm inducing establishment I can take on my own. Sure, there are other employees I could talk to, but to be honest I think I'd give the self-harming a go first.

The day eventually came to a close and just to be different, I went home. Another note awaited me at the apartment. This was getting out of hand. Is confrontation a thing of the past? How am I supposed to defend myself against these allegations of noise pollution if no-one is willing to face me? I am aware that they are not so much allegations as they are complete truths but I'd still like to be given the opportunity to lie through my teeth about them. Surprisingly, the note was not from George. Far more worryingly, the author was actually my new and residentially challenged friend, Jack.

Thank you for your generosity. I hope you liked the photo. Love your apartment by the way, very accessible! See you tomorrow.

Jack.

That’s just what I need, a stalker with no prior commitments.